The Gigantic Meaningless Wine Award
Thank you for your entry fee, cover letter, dinner menu, and wine list for the Award this year.
Congratulations! We have decided to award you with a Gigantic Meaningless Wine Award, second level.
We are thrilled to have you as part of the many thousands that paid the entry fee.
As a winner, you will not only feel validated, but random people from the wine industry will congratulate you. You are finally good enough now. You are likable, highly skilled and your parents will love you more now than they did before.
Your award is being mailed to you. It will arrive in the coming week.
Please do not make love to the award.
Do not reenact that scene with Billy Bob and Halle B from Monsters Ball – (this award will make you feel good, you don’t need to ask it to).
This award consents to hugs, caresses, and since 2014 does not allow special exemptions to “Showering” of any sort.
Please congratulate all other winners and get them to congratulate you (preferably on Social Media).
Grab a bottle and pose! If you just started a few months ago and have had little to nothing to do with the program, no big deal. We love group photos. We keep hearing about “stories” – do it for
us your personal sommelier brand and make your awesome restaurant owners notice!
Please privately (or publicly) laugh at the others that did not win or participate.
Shame the others like muzzled handmaidens. They probably don’t have enough cash to pay the entry fee! What a bunch of LO-SERS! They suck big time, amiright?
Also, after you have hugged and caressed your award…
“ Even in well-established culinary destinations like New York City, the Gigantic Meaningless Wine Awards serve as validation for a job well done.
Please display the award prominently in the restaurant so the owners feel so so good.
Make sure that it is prominently placed so customers see it. Give them the opportunity to wonder what the hell it is, or say to their friends as they enter: “Seeeee, this place is great. They won the Gigantic Meaningless Wine Award!”
Finally, please download our app.
We are building a Gigantic Meaningless App that shows everyone where you can find the most Gigantic Meaningless Wine Awarded programs in the city. We promise to bring huge droves of fans of meaningless wine programs to fill your seats.
The code words to know the customers used the app to find you are “Ranch” and “Dressing.” It may appear that they just want Ranch Dressing, but really, they want Ranch Dressing AND they found out about you via the meaningless wine app. You are welcome.
We know what you are thinking: Winning is SUCH an honor…You are right.
And also, you must be thinking: I really really want to GET IT ON with this award. I want to make the award feel what I feel. Please don’t. We have had problems in the past but have signed an NDA and can’t talk about it.
We look forward to your
entry fee participation next year.
*the gigantic meaningless wine award is not real.